It has been a while since my last post but there has been a lot on my plate and I will delve into those reasons in a later blog.
In my previous post I spoke about my early life in South Africa up until I finished Primary School and I now continue with the High School years.
At the age of 13 I entered High School. I was accepted to King Edward VII School in Houghton, one of the best schools in South Africa. Of course the reputation comes with a price tag and this became a common theme in conversations with my parents over the 5 years I was at KES. It was also decided that I would go to Boarding School although I insisted on that particularly and thinking back now it was because I didn´t want to be at home although I told everyone it was for the extra-curricular activities. With this arrangement I would spend the first 4 weeks at Boarding School with no contact with my parents apart from 1 letter and a phone call in the last week to arrange pick up on the Saturday to go home (this was mandatory in order for all the Boarders to acclimatise and get used to being away from home). I think back on those 4 weeks as a time where I was happy I wasn´t at home. I enjoyed the fact that I was around people that I made friends with and away from my parents and I actually didn´t want to go home after the 4 weeks were up. I did, however, go home and this was the only time that both my parents turned up at an event of mine in High School and I think they only did it because they had to pick me up from my extra-curricular activity on the Saturday. After that the only time my parents turned up for anything was for Parents Evenings and my Graduation Ceremony, and then it was only ever my Father as my Mother didn´t deem it necessary to make the effort. With going home from Boarding School the rule was generally that you could go home on a Saturday after extra-curricular activities and then be back on Sunday Evening unless we had an Exeat weekend where we could go home on Friday after School. It soon became very clear to me that the weekly routine was seen as a chore and that my parents didn´t really want to be picking me up week in, week out. This is important to remember for later. In year 1 all first year Boarders were together in one Boarding House and as you would expect we were in larger dormitories and had daily chores that we had to undertake. The Prefects were great although they did discipline us in ways that they probably shouldn’t have but they did all play a big part in turning me into the person I am today. Just to be clear, there was never anything inappropriate but they did do things that probably weren’t permitted at the time.
Academically I did ok, maintaining a high C Average during my first 2 years. This was mainly due to the fact that in my first 2 years I had to do 11 subjects, 4 of which I had no interest in whatsoever and this bought my marks down. For interest sake the subjects were Art, Industrial Arts, Latin and Zulu. My marks were not good enough for my parents, although I did try my best in the subjects I didn’t like, but they just didn’t understand that I was never going to do well in those subjects. It was after the first 2 terms that my Mother in particular starting the mind games, saying that maybe I didn’t deserve to be in that School and that they may have to reconsider as it was a large annual expense to send me to the School. This obviously had an impact on me as I was constantly worried about being moved from a School where I was happy and made friends, some of whom I am still friends with today. There were times where I was crying myself to sleep not knowing if I was going to be at that School in the next term. This really screwed me up but as I tried to do throughout my life, I just got put my head down and kept myself to myself, isolating myself from everyone other than a few close friends.
This manipulation also ensured that I would never invite any of my School Friends to come and stay the weekend or during school holidays. Instead I would go home on Saturday, do my washing and ironing on the Sunday Morning, pack my bags and wait to go back to School. I actually looked forward more to going back on a Sunday night than I did actually going home. It got to the point where I started acting out a bit. I never got into massive trouble at School but I did enough little things to be “Gated” occasionally which meant you were punished by not being allowed to go home or I would make arrangements to stay over at friends houses just so I didn’t have to go home. This would generally mean I would only go home every second weekend which to me still felt like too much but it had to be done. This would carry on for the full 5 years. The only times I really struggled was during the School Holidays because I didn’t have a choice to be at home and as mentioned previously we never went away on vacations so I was stuck at home and maybe occasionally go and stay with friends for a few days.
In my second year we were moved to a bigger Boarding House which contained learners from Years 2 – 5 but our dormitories were much smaller, made up of 4 people which was great. In our 2nd year, some of us were assigned to a Year 5 student and it was expected that you did various tasks for them, similar to what we did in Year 1. This was normal and I was lucky enough to be assigned to one who treated my really well and we still to this day exchange messages. We also had chores similar to our 1 year. Other than the change in Boarding House Year 2 followed a very similar pattern to my first year. I tried to avoid going home regularly by either getting gated or staying at friends houses. As mentioned, academically I did ok. The best part of Year 2 was in our last term where we could choose our 6 subjects for years 3-5. This meant I could drop all the subjects I had no interest in the following year. This made a massive difference for me. My Mother was still not happy with my Academic performance and kept threatening to move me to another School, which only made me withdraw more and more into myself and become even more Introverted. It came to pass that I passed Year 2 and headed into Year 3.
As mentioned I was able to choose the subjects I wanted to continue with and this made a massive difference as Academically I improved to a B average. However, as you may have guessed my Mother was still not happy. She constantly had the idea of me being moved to another School looming over my head for the rest of my time at KES yet she never followed through and it didn’t really have much of an effect other than that it affected me mentally and emotionally and of course I kept it to myself because that is what I thought you had to do. I was still acting up occasionally but not enough to warrant my parents being called. I think this was down to me being actively involved in Extra-curricular activities and the fact I was doing well academically. I also at this point would actively take the decision to stay at the School on weekends where I couldn’t stay at a friends house meaning I spent even less time at home. Again this didn’t seem to disturb my parents to much and they seemed happy that they didn’t have to pick me up every weekend. It was also in Year 3 where I started becoming what many people nowadays would call a People Pleaser. I would always help out anyone that I could whether it be academically, in sport or just in general. This did make me feel a bit better about myself but it also made me realise that I wasn´t practising what I was preaching as I was keeping everything bottled up but trying to keep a smile on my face in public as if nothing was wrong. This would be how I dealt with most things for many years to come. It was also in Year 3 that I started attending House Parties and it was at these that I not only started drinking but drinking to excess. This became a problem later in life!
Years 4 and 5 followed a similar pattern to Year 3 with no significant changes except of course for the Graduation Ceremony in Year 5 that my Father attended, because my Mother didn’t think it was necessary, and of course the end of Year 5 (Matric Exams) which would go a long way to determine whether or not you could get into University or whatever Tertiary education you decided to embark on. After many careers evenings in Year 5 I decided on Hotel Management, which was not a popular choice with my parents, but I think I chose it because it played into my people pleaser persona. My choice meant that I would not need to go to University but would instead need to go to a college that offered International Hotel Management which meant I didn’t need a Matric Exemption but I got it anyway and finished my High School Career.
Overall, my High School years were very positive but that was mostly down to the amazing Teachers and Housemasters that taught me and looked after me as well as the friends I made, as few as they were. My parents overall did not have a positive impact on these years and all they ended up doing was ensuring I was becoming more introverted and bottling more things up to hide from them. Having been speaking to a therapist over the last few months, it has become clear the my Mother was psychologically abusing me in order to manipulate me in order for her to get her way. This wasn’t clear to me at the time as I thought it was just the way parents were, although I did see different approaches to parenting when I stayed at friends houses and I honestly thought that they were all weird because they didn’t parent the way my parents did. My therapist has also mentioned that although my Father wasn’t complicit with the manipulation he was complicit as he allowed it to happen. I think he did this mainly because he didn’t like my mother at all and just ignored what she was doing, otherwise they would only be arguing. Don’t get me wrong, My Father did also have opinions about my times in High School and they were not positive at all but at least with him you knew where you stood as he raised his voice, would shout for a while and then not talk to me for a few days, which also made the drive back to School on Sunday quite awkward. I am not excusing him for anything and i am sure sometimes I deserved it but I also wonder if a lot of the shouting was down to him hating my Mother or my Mother manipulating a situation so that it looked like I was to blame so I bore the brunt when in fact I had nothing to do with a situation. As I have mentioned before all that this did was cause me to withdraw into myself and cut myself off more and more from my Parents emotionally and physically. It was also at this point that my Brother was starting to be hailed as a bit of a Golden Boy and whenever I would speak to my parents they would praise him even though when he did come and visit he always did so on a one-way ticket and would them mooch off my parents and they would capitulate and buy him his ticket back to Switzerland. This also made me wonder why I even bothered doing what I was doing but I did it anyway and tried to become as successful as possible.
I also want to mention that my parents tried to enrol me in Amway, a Multi Level Marketing Company ie a fucking Pyramid Scheme once I finished school. I saw it for what it was straight away and refused yet they still insisted on “gifting” me a starter kit for Christmas that year which really got my heckles up. They were positive that this was the future and that it would make them rich yet it never fucking did and I wouldn’t be surprised if they ended up losing money on it. I was just glad that I was effectively moving out because of me going to College in 2000 but I will cover this and my last few years in South Africa in my next post.
Until then......
H
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